On Turning 40 . . . Well . . . In 3 years

I turned 37 yesterday. It's been a long time coming as I kind of skipped a year. For the whole year that I was 35 I thought I was 36. Which was fine and then when I had my 36th birthday I realised my mistake and began another year of being 36. After all, it only matters what is in your head, not what age you really are! So I feel like it has taken ages to be 37.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about Life, about Women and how we change as we progress through life.

It's about hopes and dreams and finding balance in what you want, what you need, what is expected and what you never thought would happen . . . So let's begin.

And so I Hope . . .

That when I turn 40 . . . in 3 years . . . That I am not completely the wild and erratic girl I was when I was a teenager. Not that I didn't like that girl, she was ok. But she was unsure of who she was. She was trying to fit in to a world where she just didn't. She was crazy and carefree. She was pensive and yet abrupt. She was skinny and brown. She was curly and lively. And she was a mother.

A mother to two gorgeous girls.

The first one came when the teenage girl was 16. Sixteen and two months to be precise. And the first one saved the teenage girls life. The teenage girl had no idea about babies and had only held one once for about 5 minutes a couple of months before. And she sure didn't know how to be a mother! (but who really does with the first baby). The first one came to teach her selflessness.

What she did know was - She didn't want to fit the stereotypical teenage mothers ideal. She didn't want to be a bad mother; a good one was the only thing to consider. And she didn't want the judgement and scorn that came with the territory of teenage motherhood.

 

But there were only two of those things that she had control over and she tried her best to accomplish them.

 

 

The second little girl came when the teenage girl was 19. The second little girl changed her life. The second little girl came to teach lessons of love and fun. And the teenage girl was surprised by the judgement that still came even though she had a little family at home. And washed all their clothes. And cooked them fresh veggies every night. And NEVER gave the little girls cordial to drink. And kept the house clean. And played with the little girls all the time. And sewed them little blankets for their dolls beds out of scraps of fabric from her Grandmothers stash. (She certainly couldn't afford to buy fabric).

And so I hope . . .

 

To be braver in that teenage girls honour for she fought so very hard to fit in.

To be stronger from the mistakes that she made .

To be more cautious as those around you can sometimes not have the best intentions.

And to be more humble so that the judgement didn't make any bitterness.

 

And then came the 20's

 

The 20's girl was much braver than the teenage girl and she took the world on with a sword in one hand and a string of children in the other.

 

 

The 20's girl learnt a lot in 10 years. The 20's girl had two little boys. A blond one and a brown one. The blond one came when the 20's girl was 23. The blond one came to teach her tolerance and unconditional love. He came to teach her not to judge others in their own battle. And he came to teach her that she needed to think outside the box.

 

 

 

The 20's girl gained confidence and plowed into life. The 20's girl tried to fit in everything she could. The 20's girl started a business that would sustain her family for many many years to come. The 20's girl got married. And the 20's girl built a house from start to finish and settled in to enjoy being alive. But still the judgement came and still she didn't quite fit in.

 

The brown boy came when the 20's girl was 27. The brown boy came to teach her understanding and sacrifice. The brown boy came to teach her to face her demons and come out the other side; changed but better. The brown boy came to teach her to question everything. Especially her spirituality.

 

I swear that Jory is in this picture! He's just in a carrier behind Heath's back!

 

The 20's girl still had a lot to learn though. The 20's girl didn't know what was true inthe world. She didn't know the reasons for being on Earth. And she didn't understand why she had faced challenges. And so the 20's girl started to search.

 

And so I hope . . .

 

To be more understanding of others than the 20's girl

To be more humble than the 20's girl because sometimes she wasn't.

To be slower and take in the beauty of the world because the 20's girl flew through like a shot from a gun.

To not be pushed around because the 20's girl still let people choose what was right for her.

And to appreciate the world that I have and what I have chosen.

 

And then came the 30's

 

Now the 30's girl was much more cautious than the teenage girl or the 20's girl. She had faced many challenges and had learnt to be careful. The 30's girl found what she was looking for. And the world made sense . . . For a while.

 

The 30's girl then lost a friend. She lost a brother. She lost a kindred, kind and humble spirit. They had been friends since before he was born. But he was too beautiful for this troubled world. His heart was too broken. And so God was calling him back. He had been calling for a while. And so he decided to go.

 

The brother came to teach the girl about acceptance and trust. He came to teach the 30's girl that she couldn't control the world and that she would still be ok. He came to show her that she had to accept God's will even if she didn't understand it.

 

 

But the 30's girl still had a lot to learn. And it came in the way of two tiny spirits who only needed to have a heart beat and experience life. Two tiny spirits who wanted the 30's girl to know they were hers but that she couldn't hold them just yet. And those two tiny spirits came to teach the girl to be humble. They came to teach her to value what she already had. The came to teach the 30's girl that she had to make sacrifices.

 

But then the 30's girl was blessed with a little white boy.

 

 

Now the little white boy came to teach the 30's girl about True Love and Blessings. He came to teach her that life is sometimes hard but it's totally worth it. He came to teach her that she could take it to the brink and somehow survive.

 

 



But the 30's girl still has a lot to learn.

 

The 30's girl achieved a lot too. The 30's girl learned to trust in her own ability. She learned that she was capable. She learned to trust in the unknown and go with it.

 

And so I hope . . .

 

To learn the lessons that are for me so that I can move forward

To remember to be myself and not what others expect of me

To grow my spirituality and remember that it is a continuous journey and not a destination.

To remember the beautiful moments in my life and never never forget what they mean.

 

And so - On turning 40 . . .

 

I Hope . . .

 

To be a much more knowing and spiritual person than I was when I was just a teenage girl

 

To have much more energy than I did when I was a tired and very busy mother as 20's girl

 

To be a much more balanced person than I was as a very very tired mother, breadwinner and student that I have been as 30's girl.

 

To have gained what I have been working towards as 30's girl - My degree

 

 

 

But I also hope . . .

 

To NEVER fit in as it's just not who I am

 

To (try to) NEVER question my spirituality

 

To (try to) NEVER take what I have for granted

 

To (try to) NEVER waste a day bogged down with misery

 

To try to embrace the new girl that is bound to come. And she is 40's girl.

 

I can't wait to meet her. She's on her way.

 

But I am also a realist. And I know she won't be perfect. So I am going to try to give her a break

 

And so I hope . . .

 

To be more understanding and caring to myself.

 

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