So, the time has come to weigh in on the 50 shades of grey debate. Why? Well, because I want to. And Meh! Why not?!
If you have watched or read ANYTHING in the last few months you might have come across some pretty strong opinions surrounding the highly popular book series (and now movie) 50 Shades of Grey.
And as a small disclaimer here - I have friends on Facebook who range from 'NO WAY, I will NEVER read those books. Not EVER. NEVER' all the way to 'Just pre booked my girls night out tickets, including wine and nibbles, to see what is probably the event of the year. Now i'm lining up for 3 hours to ensure front row seats'
Both of these and anywhere in between are their personal choice and opinions, so please play nice if you happen to comment on this post. It's all just opinion and you can still be friends.
So, now to the books. You may be wondering if I have read the books? Of course I have! - I would NEVER offer an opinion on something that I hadn't even read. But let me explain something here . . .
I first read the books not long after they came out -before all the hype. And to be honest, I barely noticed the BDSM components of the books. All my life I have been EXTREMELY interested in human behaviour. I am interested in what makes people tick, in what has contributed to the way a person behaves and the choices they make. This is one of the reasons I considered becoming a psychologist. However, I LOVE sociology and with an innate sense of social justice Social Work was just a better fit for me. At least I got to study Psychology along the way. So for me, the draw of the book was the story of Christian Grey. I read along, eagerly awaiting his background - What had happened to him as a child? What were the defining characteristics of the boy who then became a man? Was his early life directly linked to his suppressed emotions? Was there a way to eventually push through these emotional barriers to heal and rise above his difficult early life?
Well, you get the picture. My curiosity was peaked and I wanted to find out more.
I didn't like Anastasia. At All. In the same way that I didn't like Bella in Twilight (well, until the final book when she became a vampire and a kick-ass chick!). You see, the sookiness and the dependency of these female characters annoyed me . . . probably more than it should. And I have been thinking about this a lot since contemplating writing an opinion on 50 shades of Grey. Why does this bother me so much? To see and read about these characters and their weak, washed out personalities. And it was a recent interview of Reece Witherspoon that finally gave me the answer I was looking for. Reece, a successful female actor, was being interviewed about some of her most recent successes. Such as her new movie called 'Wild' which portrays the true story of a young woman who sets out on a journey of discovery, trekking across the countryside alone and encountering many challenges along the way (haven't watched it yet so can't form an opinion). Reece was asked about taking on roles that depicted strong women - and she made a comment that made me think. For a very long time. She said something like 'I don't know any women who are not strong'.
She doesn't know ANY women who are not strong??? And I wondered this about myself. Did I know any women who are not strong? Surely, there are women I know who are not strong? So I started to think about the women I know, friends and acquaintances, and began assessing whether they were strong or weak or sooky or totally dependent, emotionally. And you know what - I don't know any women who are not strong either. Everyone I know is strong in some way or another. Not necessarily loud or physically strong or obviously stoic and weathered or wielding a sword and fighting off assailants. But strong. The deep down quiet strength that comes to the surface when it is needed. And so if you are reading this - and I know you - You Are Strong! (Even if you think you are not)
You are strong if you are battling through anything in you life. You are strong if you managed to get out of bed today and it was the very best you could manage. You are strong if you made it to work today when the world was against you. You are strong if you managed to avoid the temptation of all the things you are trying to avoid. You are strong if you have or are experiencing violence in any form, be it physical, sexual, emotional or verbal. You are strong for all the journeys in your life that you have made it through.
So, I decided that the characters of Anastasia and Bella are just not reflective of women. Not of any of us.
But back to the book.
Most of the reviews I have read so far have been extreme. By extreme I mean that they went completely one way or completely the other. There have been those who have stated over and over that 'It is Anastasia who has all the power' or that she is not the victim of abuse because 'she is totally consenting to everything that happens'. To this I say - You do not understand the cycle of abuse. Read more about this if you are interested. There is much literature on the cycle of abuse. If you read more about this you will see that, Yes, there are many components of abuse within this fictional relationship. I mean, anyone who has read the books will remember that Anastasia cries and cries after the first time she is 'spanked' (internal cringe at even writing that word!!) by Christian. She is completely emotionally distraught. She is in conflict because her emotions are saying that she likes this man A LOT but he has just physically hurt her as part of an intimate sexual experience.
Hmmmm. Well, all I can say is - think about that first encounter. Re-read it if you must. But the black and the white of it is that this is the beginning. The beginning of her exposure and therefore her reduced tolerance to the behaviour. Educate yourself in the cycle of abuse and you will see that this is true.
HOWEVER!
I have also read some reviews stating or suggesting that these books 'increase acceptance of domestic violence' or that they somehow increase the desire to engage in BDSM. I even read a study that suggested that those who had read all 3 books had an 'increased risk of engaging in binge drinking and having multiple sex partners'. Haha, I am 100% certain this did not happen for me. But I guess we are all different.
But perhaps there are a small number of people who, after reading the books (or watching the movie), have changed their behaviour in a way that depicts this type of experience - But I would suggest that it had more to do with what was going on for the individual BEFORE reading the books than what they read. Perhaps the book gave them some ideas but it would always be the underlying beliefs and previous experiences of the person that influenced how they chose to deal with the ideas presented in the books.
And of course there is the obvious one - that exposure to this type of literature in mainstream society reduces the perceived inhibitions around this type of behaviour or in basic terms - makes us used to this as 'normal' behaviour thereby increasing our likelihood to engage in said behaviour. But I would suggest that there is a deferent spin on this. A much more important side to this exposure - and I will talk about that in a moment.
So taking extreme sides to the argument might be your thing. And that's ok. There might be a very good reason you have chosen to take the stance that you have. And that's ok too. Then there are those who state that the book is very poorly written and not great literature. To this I say, Who Cares?! If people want to read it - let them. And really, how bad can it be if it has sold as many copies as it has??? (Sorry can't be bothered searching the exact amount!).
Finally, you may be wondering if I have or will be watching the movie. The short answer is probably yes . . . eventually . . . on dvd . . . if I feel like it one day. After all I don't like to form opinions of things that I know nothing about. BUT I won't be venturing to the movie theatre any time to watch it. Because . . . well I can't think of anything more awkward than watching soft porn. In public. With my friends. Eating popcorn. Glancing sideways at each other awkwardly. Just. Not. My. Thing. And even if I chose not to go with my friends - I think going alone might be even more creepy. For me anyway. That might be your thing. You should do what you want. And after it was labelled 'mummy porn' Eeeeeeeeeewww!!! As a self-respecting woman THAT alone lost it for me. Haha. I cannot be seen to be associated with the idea that the story was anything near pornographic for me. It wasn't. AT ALL!
And so I just want to finish by summing up for you what I liked and disliked about the books (and the talk about the associated movie, which I haven't watched).
What I disliked was: The sooky and dependent female character of Anastasia; The repetitive language used throughout the book; The over-simplified 'recovery' by Christian Grey to extreme early childhood trauma and abuse; The normalising of the cycle of abuse in a way that people don't even notice it.
What I LOVED: The highlighting of the cycle of abuse and how (just as with the cycle of abuse) you are 'conditioned' to accepting the behaviour slowly as the books go on; The highlighting of childhood trauma and abuse and how this directly affects people's outlook and behaviour as adults; And finally I have LOVED LOVED LOVED that these books and the associated movie have absolutely highlighted the very important issue of domestic violence. I mean, these books and this movie have created a space where this issue is being talked about. And talked about. And talked about.
So for me - And this is just my personal opinion - until I change it. (and for ideas on opinions I highly recommend watching on youtube the graduation speech by comedian Tim Minchin).
-We as a society are now more than ever 'normalising' the idea that domestic violence is not acceptable. We are 'normalising' discussions around what is deemed to be 'consent' in a relationship. And we are 'normalising' that those who have experienced extreme childhood trauma and abuse can rise above (in not quite a simplified way as Christian) the trauma and reach a point in their lives where they can function and even heal. This is ultimately a positive thing. And I think the positives of getting the discussion about domestic violence out there far outweighs the negatives of a few BDSM scenes in a fictional story.
So read it if you want. Watch it if you want. But remember people - These are fictional characters.
Have a good day - and tell me what you think?!
